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I’ve had mixed feelings about turning 35 this year. Mostly, I’ve felt overwhelmed by a mixed sense of dread, regret, and remorse. I start thinking really negative thoughts and questioning all the decisions I've made up until this point, only focusing on my mistakes...then I realize these are the Critic’s thoughts, not truly my own, and I step back to reconsider my current state of existence. I may not have all my affairs in order, primarily when it comes to finances, but I’m not a shitty person who is sucking at life. I’m just going through a challenging time. Challenging times are never pleasant in the moment, but they always lead to something better. They make us stronger, help us grow and solve problems that were hindering us before. So, I know in my heart that I will get through this. I’m too damned stubborn for anything else. All I know is survival -- but more than that, I demand the best of myself and to thrive, not just make ends meet. We learn more from our mistakes, and I've learned A LOT over the last year...
When I step back and assess my life as it is right now, I realize how insanely blessed I am, and how thrilled I am to be living my life. I might be in the midst of a flare, and broke as fuck with uncertain prospects at this time -- but I get to live in an awesome apartment in a beautiful, clean, safe, neighborhood in the wild hills of Los Angeles on the cusp of National Forest and the city. Surrounded by honest, hardworking gearheads and urban farmers who like to have honest, quiet nights filled with starry skies and the sounds of coyotes and owls. I have a partner who is one of my favoritest people to hang out with -- he is a sweetheart and fun and smart and loyal with not a bad bone in his body, except the one that counts and Woo Howdy, does he know how to use it kid! Thank Christ for that, and what a concept -- a loyal man who is also an amazing lay right here in the big city! They don’t make ‘em much like that, kids -- you find one of those, you hang on, tight! (insert Deadpool meme here hehe) I get to practice in martial arts under the tutelage of one of my best friends, and I get to help build kustom cars with another close buddy. My parents and family are alive and well (knocks on wood) and support me wholeheartedly as long as I’m not doing anything totally stupid/insane. I get to live in Los Angeles, one of the greatest clusterfucks in the world, with weather so nice it would make a nun leave her convent back home to stay here.
The list of blessings and gratitude goes on and on, down to having running water that you can control the temperature in real time, electricity that works with the flip of a switch, and having two healthy feet to stand on. Which brings me to the thing I’m most excited about and grateful for today, as I reflect on my 35 years of existence upon this spinning space rock -- I am well enough to participate in misadventures like the one I went on yesterday.
Living with Fibromyalgia makes life unpredictable at the best of times. Some days, my symptoms cause me to be bedridden. Other times, I’m spry as a spring chicken. Most of the time, I’m somewhere in between, fighting through an unseen battle while going about “normal” life like a “normal” person. It can be incredibly confusing/frustrating for everyone involved. In the past decade I’ve been battling this illness, there have been periods of years where I needed to use a cane for mobility, because I was so fucking weak and depleted from the constant battle my immune system was waging against the very body it is supposed to defend. Considering that, I am marveling at the fact that yesterday I was able to: get up and have my stomach settled in less than an hour (oh the morning stomach woes of those with immune related illnesses!); make a killer breakfast and actually enjoy eating it; walk around Universal Studios for five and a half hours without the need for any mobility aids other than sitting to rest as needed (look Ma, no cane!); actually have an appetite for and enjoy dinner; head straight from there without needing to rest first to see a live performance of Doug Loves Movies (look Ma, no three hour nap!); head home and after 11 hours of all that activity, not feel like absolute death!!! It is a marvel and wonder to me that I didn’t need the aid of at least a cane, or a wheelchair to get me through all that standing, walking, stair climbing, riding of rides, and everything else that we did yesterday. I also didn’t need my parasol or sun wrap -- mostly because during this time of year, the sun is so much lower and weaker than it is compared to the warmer seasons -- but still, to have a less severe sun sensitivity is absolutely glorious as well! (NOTE: I've just realized that I've never actually reviewed the cane or parasol I use, I will have to do that!)
The things we take for granted are often the things we need to most revel in having, because they usually cannot be bought. You cannot buy health, or love, or friendship, or skill, or the ability to live life without some damned illness and its myriad of confusing and debilitating symptoms getting in the way.
Today, I revel in my sore legs and achy knees, for they are a sign of pushing through a challenging time -- a sign of growth, and even more good things yet to come.
Here’s to 35. Let’s see what we can accomplish by 36.
Cheers.
When I step back and assess my life as it is right now, I realize how insanely blessed I am, and how thrilled I am to be living my life. I might be in the midst of a flare, and broke as fuck with uncertain prospects at this time -- but I get to live in an awesome apartment in a beautiful, clean, safe, neighborhood in the wild hills of Los Angeles on the cusp of National Forest and the city. Surrounded by honest, hardworking gearheads and urban farmers who like to have honest, quiet nights filled with starry skies and the sounds of coyotes and owls. I have a partner who is one of my favoritest people to hang out with -- he is a sweetheart and fun and smart and loyal with not a bad bone in his body, except the one that counts and Woo Howdy, does he know how to use it kid! Thank Christ for that, and what a concept -- a loyal man who is also an amazing lay right here in the big city! They don’t make ‘em much like that, kids -- you find one of those, you hang on, tight! (insert Deadpool meme here hehe) I get to practice in martial arts under the tutelage of one of my best friends, and I get to help build kustom cars with another close buddy. My parents and family are alive and well (knocks on wood) and support me wholeheartedly as long as I’m not doing anything totally stupid/insane. I get to live in Los Angeles, one of the greatest clusterfucks in the world, with weather so nice it would make a nun leave her convent back home to stay here.
The list of blessings and gratitude goes on and on, down to having running water that you can control the temperature in real time, electricity that works with the flip of a switch, and having two healthy feet to stand on. Which brings me to the thing I’m most excited about and grateful for today, as I reflect on my 35 years of existence upon this spinning space rock -- I am well enough to participate in misadventures like the one I went on yesterday.
Living with Fibromyalgia makes life unpredictable at the best of times. Some days, my symptoms cause me to be bedridden. Other times, I’m spry as a spring chicken. Most of the time, I’m somewhere in between, fighting through an unseen battle while going about “normal” life like a “normal” person. It can be incredibly confusing/frustrating for everyone involved. In the past decade I’ve been battling this illness, there have been periods of years where I needed to use a cane for mobility, because I was so fucking weak and depleted from the constant battle my immune system was waging against the very body it is supposed to defend. Considering that, I am marveling at the fact that yesterday I was able to: get up and have my stomach settled in less than an hour (oh the morning stomach woes of those with immune related illnesses!); make a killer breakfast and actually enjoy eating it; walk around Universal Studios for five and a half hours without the need for any mobility aids other than sitting to rest as needed (look Ma, no cane!); actually have an appetite for and enjoy dinner; head straight from there without needing to rest first to see a live performance of Doug Loves Movies (look Ma, no three hour nap!); head home and after 11 hours of all that activity, not feel like absolute death!!! It is a marvel and wonder to me that I didn’t need the aid of at least a cane, or a wheelchair to get me through all that standing, walking, stair climbing, riding of rides, and everything else that we did yesterday. I also didn’t need my parasol or sun wrap -- mostly because during this time of year, the sun is so much lower and weaker than it is compared to the warmer seasons -- but still, to have a less severe sun sensitivity is absolutely glorious as well! (NOTE: I've just realized that I've never actually reviewed the cane or parasol I use, I will have to do that!)
The things we take for granted are often the things we need to most revel in having, because they usually cannot be bought. You cannot buy health, or love, or friendship, or skill, or the ability to live life without some damned illness and its myriad of confusing and debilitating symptoms getting in the way.
Today, I revel in my sore legs and achy knees, for they are a sign of pushing through a challenging time -- a sign of growth, and even more good things yet to come.
Here’s to 35. Let’s see what we can accomplish by 36.
Cheers.
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