Renata Carmen Writes

My whole life, I’ve wanted to be someone else. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m too short or too fat or too hairy or too sickly or too insecure or too anxious or too dumb or too this or too that or not enough of anything to be worth loving as I am. This constant pursuit of trying to escape myself has translated into my career as well. I’ve always wanted to be one of the guys. Not in a gender identification sort of way, I actually have always been satisfied with and identified with being born female, despite all the woes and heartache and pain that comes with being born a natural woman -- something I am truly feeling as of late (oh the joys of the changes that come in the mid-thirties). No, when I say that I want to be one of the guys, it means that I have always enjoyed “guy” stuff more than “girl” stuff. Instead of playing house and dress-up, I climbed trees and played “Cowboys and Indians.” As I got older, I fell in love with cars , and found myself in automotive trade

I’ve had mixed feelings about turning 35 this year. Mostly, I’ve felt overwhelmed by a mixed sense of dread, regret, and remorse. I start thinking really negative thoughts and questioning all the decisions I've made up until this point, only focusing on my mistakes...then I realize these are the Critic’s thoughts, not truly my own, and I step back to reconsider my current state of existence. I may not have all my affairs in order, primarily when it comes to finances, but I’m not a shitty person who is sucking at life. I’m just going through a challenging time. Challenging times are never pleasant in the moment, but they always lead to something better. They make us stronger, help us grow and solve problems that were hindering us before. So, I know in my heart that I will get through this. I’m too damned stubborn for anything else. All I know is survival -- but more than that, I demand the best of myself and to thrive, not just make ends meet. We learn more from our mistakes, and I&