Renata Carmen Writes

My whole life, I’ve wanted to be someone else. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m too short or too fat or too hairy or too sickly or too insecure or too anxious or too dumb or too this or too that or not enough of anything to be worth loving as I am. This constant pursuit of trying to escape myself has translated into my career as well. I’ve always wanted to be one of the guys. Not in a gender identification sort of way, I actually have always been satisfied with and identified with being born female, despite all the woes and heartache and pain that comes with being born a natural woman -- something I am truly feeling as of late (oh the joys of the changes that come in the mid-thirties). No, when I say that I want to be one of the guys, it means that I have always enjoyed “guy” stuff more than “girl” stuff. Instead of playing house and dress-up, I climbed trees and played “Cowboys and Indians.” As I got older, I fell in love with cars , and found myself in automotive trade...

I’ve had mixed feelings about turning 35 this year. Mostly, I’ve felt overwhelmed by a mixed sense of dread, regret, and remorse. I start thinking really negative thoughts and questioning all the decisions I've made up until this point, only focusing on my mistakes...then I realize these are the Critic’s thoughts, not truly my own, and I step back to reconsider my current state of existence. I may not have all my affairs in order, primarily when it comes to finances, but I’m not a shitty person who is sucking at life. I’m just going through a challenging time. Challenging times are never pleasant in the moment, but they always lead to something better. They make us stronger, help us grow and solve problems that were hindering us before. So, I know in my heart that I will get through this. I’m too damned stubborn for anything else. All I know is survival -- but more than that, I demand the best of myself and to thrive, not just make ends meet. We learn more from our mistakes, and I...

Some very exciting things have been happening here in Renata Land!  First off, a huge shout-out, and massive thanks to The Speed Girls  for featuring me on their website! It's a beautiful feature, and I am incredibly honored to be considered "The Real Deal" next to all those other badass women they have on there! http://www.thespeedgirls.com/renata-carmen.html Second, I have a new, fancy, official website! So, I will no longer be posting to this blog. I will be keeping this site up until I have archived all the old material on here, but from now on, go to  http://www.renatacarmen.com/  to check out future blog posts, and keep up with my myriad of projects and misadventures! Thank you, faithful readers, for your continued support! It means the world to me and I'm just so excited for things to come :) :) :) *Love & Light* Renata Carmen

I awoke to the sounds of my father yelling. Groggy, confused, hungover, and bleary eyed, I glared over at the alarm clock to see what time it was. What the fuck? It wasn't even 10 am – then still considered a “quiet” part of the day, in a house full of night owls and partying teens at various stages in life. As the oldest of the three girls, I was really the primary partier in the household at the time, but everyone except my Mom had a tendency to sleep late unless work, school, or some other responsibility deemed otherwise. Little did my family suspect that we would all wind up living in this house together again several years down the line - this time as adults recovering from the crashing economy in 2007, all but myself married, and my two sisters both pregnant. Three couples and one stubbornly single person sharing a small house, it was crazy and awful and marvelous all at the same time. Funny how life works. None of us would have willingly chosen that lifestyle. But, when the...

Fresh out the current "Black Book" - which actually has a pink/gold plaid pattern on the cover hehe - I present this piece to you, just written yesterday :) Hope you enjoy! “ Insatiable” Your words still burn like poison in my ears How do I rid myself of your ill intent? Hell bent on destruction Misery loves broken down company Fuck 'em Fuck you and all the rest of the Haters trying to put me down at my best You are like fire I won't get too near you again out of concern you'll burn Consume a hunger that never ends You don't see so long as you only Take, and never Give You will remain Insatiable for as long as you live... R.C.H. Thanks so much for reading!!! Poetry and free writing are such great ways for me to process some of the heavier things in life and get stuff off my chest :) Don't let the Haters get you down. Keep on keepin' on with yo' bad self <3 <3 <3 *Love & Light* Renata Carmen

This post I would like to highlight a personal hero of mine - Neil Young! <3  I've been listening to this dude since the womb (literally) and got to see him perform for the first time recently in Essex for the launch of his Monsanto Years tour.  It was a life changing experience that still brings tears to my eyes when I recall it, but I'll be writing more in detail about that concert later, along with Mr. Young's current fight to aid Vermont as it undergoes a major lawsuit from the shady, scary powerful big corporate alliance known as the " Grocery Manufacturer's Association " - Mansanto and Starbucks being the primary companies within this group currently under his attack.  First, I want to focus on Neil Young as a person - what makes him tick; who/what made him the powerful, loving soul that he his today; how his creative process works. Right before going to see him play up by Lake Champlain, I heard an enlightening interview he did with Howard Stern a...

Hello there! It's been longer than I prefer since I've last posted on here :/ Between the Neil Young concert my man and I were lucky enough to attend a few weeks ago upstate, being a heat sensitive person in the peak of New England summer (woah, humidity!), and the sudden drop in temps we've had over the last week (WTF, signs of Fall already? Winter is coming!  Ah, Rural Vermont Life), along with a few other health issues I won't get into, I have been pretty laid low. "Low on spoons" as they say ;) But, I'm back on my feet, caught up on a major freelance project I've been trying to hammer out for some time ( Shameless self-plug: Go get a subscription to Auto Restorer magazine! ), and am very excited about everything that is happening right now, including posts for this blog that I've been wanting to get out for some time. Driving Upstate Vermont in Late Summer is a glorious experience! :) A preview of what's to come: - A write-up about the Nei...