Renata Carmen Writes

Journal Entry from earlier this morning: "Rough start so far, but determined to turn things around. Emo and in pain from ovulation. Didn't sleep as long/deeply as needed and am exhausted and ready to go back to bed even though I just got up. Also stiff, sore, nauseous. Woke up sad/angry about my life circumstances - about feeling rejected/misunderstood by both sides of my family, about money, independence, my health and stamina and sun sensitivity, disability. My brain started going down fast. Started crying, feeling overwhelmed, wanted to break down and start destroying furniture and shit. But this energy does nothing positive or constructive for me at all, and I know everything I'm feeling is valid, but I must channel the river of my emotions accordingly so as not to get swept away in a path of irreversible destruction.  This day is mine , I claim it, to do with it as I please. I will focus on my blessings, all that I do have, and I will work my ass off to the best...

Well good morning, beautiful piece of poetry I don't remember writing last night :) I'm diggin' the word play and theme of this one. Enjoy!  feeling sick but unbroken these words are spoken by a warrior with Yaqui provokin' the fight in my veins yeah you thought you killed us all off well, guess again we're too damned stubborn and strong to ever be kept down for long you see we've still got the Earth Mother connection Father Sky looking down, sending us lessons so easily missed by those all amiss lost and confused, like you're in a deep mist but with my Yoeme eyes I can see the inner workings and harmonies of this world, this universe, how ever many may be my culture claims Five but could be indefinitely ongoing, ever flowing outward and in like a fractal eternal, infinite look deep within and you'll find you're part of it too the entire universe is also in you and out at the same time reality is a mindfuck but it's fine, more than fine it's ...

When you picture a disabled person, you're probably like I used to be. For me, the term "disabled" used to conjure images of quadriplegics, like Stephen Hawking, or the blind, or deaf. I had no clue there is a whole spectrum of disabilities out there, many of which aren't visible to the uneducated/inexperienced, nor that they can vary in severity from moment to moment and day to day. After the onset of what turned out to be Fibromyalgia in 2011, I have learned differently. Even though I'm half Mexican and used to sunbathe all day, one of the most debilitating symptoms I struggle with is a light sensitivity (UV rays). In fact, that is the primary reason my boyfriend and I left Boulder County, Colorado. At over a mile high and with more than 300 days of sunshine annually, I was literally stuck inside our apartment most of the day with the blinds drawn and tapestries over them because even then it was still too bright. I remember struggling to walk maybe a hundred fe...

I will be picking back up with my "Staying Positive While Living with Chronic Illness" series shortly. Of which I've needed to heed my own advice over the last week, as it has been fraught with some personal challenges. So, here's a quick poem I wrote about it :) hide away hide away from this haze  of sadness and pain that claims this body, this house  hasn't been a home too much insanity condoned  for even a mouse to feel comfortable staying here in this house this home got to get the fuck out  before they own our souls, thoughts, habits gotta get the fuck out see opportunity, grab it like a life preserver and never let go keep pushing further until we're so far from this house this broken home that it's nothing but a feeble memory lost and alone like I feel now in this room while insanity persues those just outside the door let us escape this sickness  and be free from it evermore evermore I love you  my love I know the two of us can rise above this muc...